Attachment and Loss in Separation and Divorce refers to the emotional and psychological experiences individuals (adults and children alike), go through when intimate relationships end.
As part of the work that we do with individuals and couples facing separation and divorce, we prioritise a huge amount of understanding about the multiple losses that can occur and the importance of considering the significance of attachment in personal relationships before, during and post separation and divorce.
We understand and appreciate that individuals, couples and families have anchors that hold them together and prevent them from being swept away until such time as those anchors are compromised. The theory of attachment and loss provides us with an understanding of the devastation of loss and the safety of continued attachment and why it can be so hard to let go when faced with separation or divorce.
The extent and depth of meaning and belonging are at the core of the experience of separation and divorce – they form the central core of relatedness to others, the bonds we all need to live and survive. Divorce transforms and shifts bonds whether you are the instigator, the responder or children involved. Each feels its meaning differently. Links within the family, and connections to broader social networks and communities can only be recreated over a long period of time. Thus, time is required while new foundations are laid and a new way forward put in place.
Mediation can help couples who are experiencing turmoil and loss to find anchors for themselves and their children offering help at different stages of separation:
- pre-transition support: opportunities to consider and prepare for a transition that will allow continuity in some areas such as co-parenting for children or financial planning
- mid-transitional support: working out ‘holding arrangements’, managing crisis or gather information about options moving forward
- post-transition support: to review arrangements and assist with further adjustment
When we understand the importance of attachment in personal relationships, it is key to understanding what is happening below the surface of the issues brought to mediation. Attachment is especially important where children are involved. Parents who no longer see their child or children on a daily basis suddenly fear losing their relationship and contact with their child or children, especially if they dread being replaced by a step-parent. For children, a sudden loss of a loved parent can be devastating and creates a level of uncertainty and instability. If they do not receive enough love and reassurance to cope with this loss, their future development and ability to form healthy and meaningful relationships, including adult relationships, may be affected.
- They may experience fear of abandonment, divided loyalties, and guilt.
- Their responses depend on age, temperament, and the level of conflict between parents.
- Continuity of secure relationships with both parents helps buffer the loss.
Supporting children involves maintaining:
- Predictable contact with both parents
- Reassurance of love and stability
- Open communication adapted to their developmental level and understanding
Separation and divorce are profound attachment losses that can evoke intense grief but also provide an opportunity for emotional growth and reorganisation. When we are able to understand the attachment dynamics at play this allows us to support you to create healthier coping, better co-parenting, and stronger future relationships whether together or apart.
Contact us now to book a free 20 minute discovery call to find out what we can offer and how we can help you find clarify in a more respectful and empowering way.
Team Together or Apart
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